***Trigger warning, talking about labor and delivery trauma, some traumatizing situations, and the effects trauma has on people. Please read with discernment, wisdom, and prayer. Thank you

When my son was born via an unplanned c-section just 6 months ago, I only got to be with him for 45 minutes before they took him away to the NICU. And if you can believe it, I didn’t see him for almost 48 hours after that. That’s right, I was a new mom for the first time ever and couldn’t be with my son for the first few days of his life. I’ve healed from that hurt - but good Lord was that hard. Above all the actual trauma that occurred in the 3-days of induced labor and unplanned c-section, I then don’t get to actually be with my son? I can only see him on a small camera via an app while he’s in the NICU? Jesus, hep me. And I’m not even going to get into the NICU stuff - but if you want to hear more of the actual birth story, check it out on my Birth Story Podcast Episode…..

Now, if you’re on my email list - then you already know ya girl got COVID on December 30th and spent 2 days quarantined in the extra bedroom of our apartment. The reason for this is because I tested positive and my husband tested negative and my son was already sick but we weren’t sure if it was COVID - so to protect them, I got some things and went straight to the 2nd bedroom in our apartment. I’ll share more about how that was an actual praise report later on in this story.

While in my now little quarantined world of a room - I binged watched some shows, worked on some things for Full Collective, prayed, worshiped, and thought way too much. One of the things I thought a lot about was how triggered I was from my labor experience to this now quarantined experience.

This is when I felt the trauma return……

The trigger came from the trauma of feeling exactly the same as I did when I had just given birth to my son and had to be away from him. I felt alone, angry, disappointed, and confused. Now my husband, being the sweet man that he is, would come to the door of the room I was in a few times a day with the baby - to greet me and so I could see his precious face. And although that was so sweet of him because he really have the best intentions and my triggers weren’t his fault at all, but even that was triggering for me because my son was so close yet I couldn’t hug or kiss him. Much like when he was in the NICU and I was recovering from my c-section and couldn’t walk just yet and had to stay in the recovery room.

So most of my time, outside of those few little distant visitations to my room, consisted of looking at my son through our baby cam. For 48 hours, just like when he was in the NICU. No one can prepare a mom for how she’ll feel when her baby is in the NICU and on top of that, how he will look in the NICU - weak and full of tubes and wires on and in him. And no one prepared me for having to feel that again but in a different setting.

Trauma is a huge buzzword these days but it’s something I’ve been familiar with studying and learning about for over a decade since I’ve been a teacher and a social worker for that amount of time. I’ve learned about it in school and have examined its effects from those who I have served and currently serve.

Trauma itself is the emotional response to a terrible incident that occurred, likely, out of your control.

That’s the thing about a trigger from trauma - you never know when it’s going to come up and what other things it’s going to bring up in you. We must be careful to check our triggers and heal from our traumas. So as they say, “be ready so you don’t gotta get ready”. And this situation was another reminder of that - to prepare myself for my triggers by intentionally healing and by having “peace tools” in my toolbox for when those triggers abrupt and show up.

But how do you intentionally heal and what are peace tools?

Intentionally Healing - Actions taken to resolve and restore emotions or thoughts you have about something that happened to you, something someone did to you, an action that happened around you that affected you, or hearing about something that burdens your heart and stresses your mind.

Peace Tools - Your go-to things when having moments of triggers, anxiety, stress, depressive thoughts, uncontrollable emotions, or struggling moments of hurtful memories. These go-to tools can be prayer, phone a friend, read scripture, worship, meditation, take a walk, drink some water, do some breathing exercises, talk with someone, rest, journaling, a bath, a warm cup of tea or coffee, or a creative outlet. There are countless things you can do that will be peace tools that are specifically helpful for you and as a means to help you confront (not escape) your triggers and continue to heal from your trauma.

The sad truth is that some traumas will repeat themselves in your life or triggers might occur where they feel similar - but the GOOD news is that God is with you and you actually have the tools you need to heal, grow, and overcome those things. Triggers don’t need to trigger forever - you don’t own them and they don’t need to be a part of your everlasting narrative. Trauma is the same and although it’s a part of your story it doesn’t mean it has to determine your decisions, life, joyous moments, and growth.

When God gave us the gift of free will, it wasn’t just a beautiful gesture to show us that He loves us and doesn’t want to control us but it was also a strengthening tool to ALWAYS remind us that we have a choice in life. We can choose to heal. We can choose to see the good. We can choose to acknowledge our past. And we get to choose to have continuous hope for the future.

I pray you choose wisdom, confidence, and joy.

So, here’s what I learned/noticed about wonder, worth, His Word, and His goodness in all of this…..

Wonder - Before I came out of the room, one of the nights I was in there was New Years Eve and I spent it alone. Although that wasn’t ideal for me since I love holidays and being with people around the holidays, I was grateful to have that time with God. My son and husband were already sleeping when it was about to be midnight so I stepped out with my mask on into our living room and just gazed in awe and wonder at God. As I heard honking from the street when midnight struck and looked at every corner of my home in wonder. Realizing this is not a life I deserve but it’s certainly one God has still chosen to give me. And I get to look at this entire circumstance and situation with purpose, hope, and testimony.

Worth - God believes my life is worth something and saved me from a delivery that could have possibly killed me and harmed my son. And I survived a deadly virus that has killed close to 1,000,000 people in America. This is not to compare that I’m more worthy of anyone else because I’m not, but in experiencing these things God is showing me how much He thinks I’m worth and that matters.

His Word - While I was in the hospital, I brought a banner that says “ Trust in the Lord” from Proverbs 3:5 and that same banner is what I was staring at while I was quarantined in the room. His Word tells me to trust Him and MY LIFE has shown me that He is trustworthy. And so I will cling to that scripture for the rest of my days - even when the enemy wants to try to make me forget what God has done in my life.

Notice His Goodness - One of my favorite things to do in life is to sit and reflect on how good God is. And so based on this experience, I want to share with you a few ways I noticed God’s goodness:

• We have an amazing expensive baby cam that was gifted to us and shows my son clearly through it. I can also even talk to him through it through the app it’s connected to on my phone. And was able to use this camera and app while I was quarantined in the room. God is good even through modern technology.

• NYC has this wonderful initiative of providing hotel rooms for people who are COVID positive and their family members aren’t. This is to stop the spreading and provide an option for quarantine. And although this is a great initiative that I’m fully behind - I’m grateful I didn’t have to go to a hotel room because can you imagine how much more intense my triggers would be if I had to be in a completely different location? Thankfully, we moved this past October to a two-bedroom and my mom is usually in the 2nd bedroom but she wasn’t home since I was positive so I got to stay in her room while I was quarantined and still see my son throughout the day even from a distance. God’s timing is everything because if we lived in our previous apartment I would have definitely have had to go to the hotel.

• At the very end of my quarantine on Day 10 - it snowed! and If you know me, then you know I LOVE SNOW! So my husband, myself, and my son got ready and went out to our buildings rooftop terrace and enjoyed the snow! Our son got to witness his first snowfall and we got to all finally go outside after 10 days.

Seeing wonder, remembering your worth, sticking to His Word, and noticing God’s goodness are ALSO peace-tools you can use in your everyday life to heal, grow, and live in His everlasting joy.

God is good and in the midst of our traumas, triggers, pain, and struggles - He shows His light and presence through big and small ways. May we ruminate the most on those things when the trauma returns…..

***I am a social worker at my job but I am not a certified mental health counselor and I’m advising you on these things shared above based on biblical teachings, research from my social work education, and life experiences. If you need further resources or support - I highly recommend seeing a professional to help you through some of your trauma or triggers.